Disclaimer: This story features swearing, sexual references and recreational drug use. If you are offended by either of these then please do not read any further. If, however, you are like me and none of that bothers you, I hope this entertains you as much as it does me. Oh, and I should probably point out that it is a true story, and is told almost word for word as it was told to me!
It was the first time, and it wouldn’t be the last. My best friend, Danny, and I were spending a Saturday evening in, dispensing with our habitual routine of going on a pub crawl around town, getting noisily drunk, before staggering home with someone whose face we wouldn’t remember in the morning, and having some disappointing sex. It was, by now, around ten o’clock, and we were both getting giggly and silly by drinking beer and smoking weed. Mind you, it had done wonders for our conversation. Thus far we we had touched on many topics, including the varied merits of getting a goat to avoid having to mow the lawn.
I had just rolled another joint – our third of the evening – and handed it to Danny as I pondered upon which delights our our enlightening conversation might next alight. Danny took a long toke on the joint and inhaled deeply. He exhaled slowly as he handed it back to me. As I put the joint to my lips, I was acutely aware that our conversation was floundering and that unless some bright topic was introduced soon, one or both of us would end up raiding the fridge, freezer or kitchen cupboards, or very possibly all three. Just then, Danny looked lazily over to me.
“Did I ever tell you about the incident with my girlfriend and the camp bed?” he asked.
This sounded promising. I wanted to say no, but given that I had a lungful of weed, I just shook my head.
“It was a few years ago now, but I was seeing this girl called Emma” he began, “Her parents hated me, didn’t think I was right for her at all. Her dad virtually out and out said that she could do a lot better”
“Imagine them thinking that of you,” I laughed, as I watched him take another long pull on the joint while scratching his balls with his other hand “I wonder whatever made them think that”
“Do you want to hear this story or not?” I held my hands up.
“Sorry, I’ll behave” I said, with mock humility.
“See that you do, otherwise there’ll be no story. Now, are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin…again! Like I say, her parents hated me. Especially her mother. Christ! That woman loathed me with a passion! She even went so far as to say that if she ever caught me with so much as a toe inside her house, she’d happily throttle me where I stood and claim provocation in court! Well, in light of what she said, I thought it best if me and Emma started seeing each other on the quiet, and well away from her place. At first Emma said that she didn’t care what her Mum said. I was her boyfriend and if her Mum didn’t like that, well then, she’d just have to grow up and get used to it. I wasn’t having any of it though. I mean, call me a chicken…”
“You’re a chicken” I said, accepting the invitation.
“Thank you. But I didn’t fancy taking my chances with some psycho-throttling-mother-from-hell. Anyway, I managed to talk some sense into her, and we decided that we’d see each other on the sly, just for a little while, and then if things started to get more serious between us, well, then I’d have to have a chat with her mum…from a safe distance of course…a couple of hundred miles, say”
“Such bravery and chivalry, my liege”
Danny gave a mordant bow of the head in acknowledgment before continuing.
“Anyway, we’d been seeing each other as much as we could, ducking and diving here and there and generally keeping as far away from her Mum’s meaty throttlers as we could, when Emma came to me with some news…”
“She was a lesbian?” I ventured.
“Of course not!…Hey, why d’you say lesbian first?”
“I don’t know” I shrugged, “Horniness?”
“But it’s not ‘cause you think she looks like a dyke, right?”
“How the fuck should I know what she looks like, I’ve never met her for fuck’s sake. Look, are you gonna carry on with this story or what because pretty soon I’m gonna be starving or sober and I’m not sure which is more dangerous”
“OK, OK” said Danny, holding his hands up. “Where was I?”
“You’ll be six feet under if you don’t get a move on. Emma came to you with some news”
“Oh yeah. Yeah, she said that her parents were going away to Paris that weekend and so seeing as how she’d have the house all to herself, she thought that maybe we could spend the weekend together at her place”
“I know, right. She said she’d asked her Mum to let her know when they got to Paris, so she knew they’d got there safely. Then, once she knew they were there, she’d text me and tell me to come over. So the day finally dawns, and about two o’clock…”
“In the morning or afternoon?” I asked
“Does it matter?” replied Danny.
“Of course it matters, I want to get a mental picture”
“It was two o’clock in the afternoon, Mr Holmes”
“Very good. Proceed”
“Thank you. So, around two in the afternoon I got a text from Emma to say that her Mum and Dad were safely in Paris and that I was to come over. Now, she lived about a half hour walk from me, but no word of a lie, I was there in ten minutes. We practically fell on each other as soon as she answered the door and, being the horny beast that I am, I fucked her right there in the hall”
“Which hall do you mean?” I interrupted again.
“Fuck off! You know what I mean” Danny laughed, and threw a handful of Doritos at me. This naturally set us off giggling again, and it was a good ten minutes before our juvenile merriment had subsided.
“Fuck! I’ve forgotten what I was saying now!” said Danny.
“You were fucking Emma in her hallway” I said, and we nearly set off again, but just managed to contain it.
“Right, yeah” Danny nodded, picking up the threads. “Well, after the hallway we did it in the kitchen and the bathroom. Emma wanted to do it in the conservatory but I appealed to her mercy to let me recover a little and so we ended up cuddling with a sandwich on the sofa”
“Why were you cuddling a golf club?” I asked.
For a moment, Danny looked puzzled, but eventually the penny dropped and he said “I said sandwich, not sand wedge! Honestly!” And another handful of Doritos were launched in my direction.
“We spent a lovely day together. About 8 o’clock…in the evening, Mr. Holmes…we sent out for pizza and watched The X Factor. We had a shower together and had sex in the shower, and then when it got to about 11 o’clock, I suggested that it might be best if I went home. “Why?” she said, “My Mum and Dad are miles away in Paris. I mean, I know my Mum’s got 20/20 vision, but I doubt even she can see that far” I said that I was just nervous that they might come back early or something, but Emma assured me that that wouldn’t happen. So, with that decided we snuggled up on the sofa and watched Chicken Run”
“Chicken Run?” I queried, as I rolled another joint.
“Yeah, Chicken Run. What’s wrong with that?”
“And they say romance is dead” I murmured.
“It is romantic!” Danny protested, “The bit where Mrs. Tweedy’s footsteps pass agonisingly slowly past the door of the room where Ginger is hiding, is well scary. And when you’re with a woman, scary means she cuddles into you even tighter” And just for good measure, in case I hadn’t already got the drift, he winked at me. I rolled my eyes as well as my joint.
“Well,” Danny continued, “Emma had already told me that I’d have to sleep on a camp bed in her room, because there wasn’t enough space for two in her single bed. I thought about mooting the idea of sleeping in her Mum and Dad’s bed, but since she hadn’t mentioned it, I thought it best not to. I’m guessing it was about two in the morning when we finally went to bed. We had a cuddle on her bed first and then I got onto the camp bed and we both fell asleep. Next morning, I woke up with a massive hard on. I mean, I’m talking full blanket tent pole…”
“TMI dude, TMI” I protested, “Do I need to hear this?”
“It’s important!” said Danny. I waved my hand through the haze of smoke I had just exhaled to tell him to continue. “So, I’ve got this hard on,” Danny continued, “and of course, needing to do something about it, I gently woke Emma up. I had no idea that women can be just as horny as us fellas first thing in the morning, and as soon as she saw my bed tent, she was on me like some kind of ravenous vampire. We really went at it. First she was on top and then we switched so I was on top of her. We were really going for it!”
“I’m sensing a but coming here, if you pardon the expression given the subject matter”
“Ha! Well that’s where you’re wrong, Mr. Holmes. There’s no but…but there is an ‘and then’” Danny said, triumphantly.
“OK, so and then” I prompted.
“And then the bed collapsed”
“Is that it?” I asked “I thought you were going to say something really dramatic happened”
“Something really dramatic did happen!” Danny retorted “The bed collapsed and because I was bracing myself with my hands on the floor, it trapped my hands underneath it. I couldn’t fucking move!”
“Oh my god!” I gasped, practically choking on the smoke I had just inhaled. For a full five minutes from this point, Danny was forced to suspend his tale as I embarked on a spluttering-laughing-coughing fit. This in turn made Danny laugh, and for a moment or two it seemed as if neither of us would be in any fit state to carry on.
Finally, once our mirth had subsided, Danny got up and got us both a beer, then sat back down to finish the story.
“So, there I am, on top of Emma, both of us stark bollck naked and me with my hands trapped underneath the camp bed. With both our weights on it, there was no way I could get myself free. Emma was telling me to lift up and I was telling her that if I could lift up, I would have done so by now. Honestly dude, as time went on I started having visions of the police searching the house and finding just our skeletons, still trapped in the same position”
Repressing the urge to giggle again, I managed to ask how they managed to free themselves. “After all,” I said, “you must have got free otherwise you’d still be there, right. So what happened?”
“Her Mum and Dad came home, that’s what happened” said Danny.
“You’re kidding!” I exclaimed.
“I wish to fuck I was, dude. I’d just asked Emma if there was any way she could slide out from under me when we heard the front door open and then heard her Mum and Dad. “Only us, love” her Mum shouted. “I know we’re home early but we basically got there and came straight back. Paris isn’t as romantic as everyone makes out. It’s really a…” “Shithole” her Dad said. “Language, Arthur!” said her Mum. Both our hearts are going ten to the dozen and I’m pinning all my hopes on Emma being able to wriggle out from underneath me, lift up the bed just enough for me to get my hands out, and then I can quickly hide in the wardrobe and she can jump into bed and pretend to be asleep. As it turned out we didn’t have time for any of that. Her Mum came up the stairs, poked her head around the door, saw my hairy arse pointing straight at her and screamed. Her Dad must have thought there was a burglar or something, cause he came bursting in with a hammer in his hand and I’m convinced he’d have done me a mischief if Emma hadn’t poked her head out from under me and said “Hiya. You’ve met Danny haven’t you?”
By this point, all hope was lost for me and I found myself as a teary, giggling mess on the floor. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t stop laughing; in fact, the harder I tried, the funnier it got. Eventually, I somehow must have managed to stammer something along the lines of “Then what happened” because Danny said “Well, her Dad managed to lift the bed a bit so I could get my hands out and I stood up, making sure to cover my essentials with my hands of course. Mind you, I didn’t really help myself there because ended up moving my hands away to offer a hello to her Mum. I’m telling you dude, the look on that woman’s face was enough to strike the fear of god into anyone. I swear, if I’d been alone with her I’d be a eunuch”
He looked around and smacked his lips.
“You want some more Doritos?”