What’s My Line?

 

No matter your gender or sexual orientation, we’ve all, at some point or another, been the subject of cringe-worthy pickup lines.

The other night, as I began to recount to a couple of friends some of the best – or rather worst – that have been directed at myself, I found myself shuddering and giggling in equal measure. In fact, with the wine flowing increasingly freely, we embarked upon something of a “Pickup Off”, duelling back and forth to see who had been subjected to the worst pickup line or come on. They ranged from the eye-rollingly mundane to the downright bizarre. Here’s a selection from the notes I made that night.

We start with a classic.

Him: Can you touch my hand?

Her: Why?

Him: So I can tell my friends that I’ve been touched by an angel. 

*****

Your feet must be tired, because you’ve been dancing through my mind all night!

*****

Warning! It gets creepier and more disturbing from hereon in!

I want to cover you in peanut butter and lick it off you till I die. 

*****

I’m so sad tonight. My dick just died. Can I bury it in you? (It’s worth noting that she responded by flicking on her lighter and saying “No, but I can cremate it if you like?”)

*****

Him: You make me think of a washing machine.

Her: Erm…

Him: I wanna fill you with my dirty load. 

*****

This one was one of mine.

Him: I know what women want in bed. 

Me: I think you’re taking the fact that it’s not you really well. 

*****

Him: Baby, you’re like a termite. 

Her: OK. Explain.

Him: Because you’ll get a mouthful of wood later. 

*****

Are you wearing space pants? Cuz your ass is out of this world. 

*****

Him: You look like you’d be really bad in bed. 

Her: Er…what?

Him: Well you’re just so beautiful you probably think you don’t need to try. (Talk about a backhanded compliment!)

So, come on guys and gals, let’s hear yours. What’s the worst pickup line you’ve ever heard or been subjected to?

seal

 

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