What’s My Line?


No matter your gender or sexual orientation, we’ve all, at some point or another, been the subject of cringe-worthy pickup lines.

The other night, as I began to recount to a couple of friends some of the best – or rather worst – that have been directed at myself, I found myself shuddering and giggling in equal measure. In fact, with the wine flowing increasingly freely, we embarked upon something of a “Pickup Off”, duelling back and forth to see who had been subjected to the worst pickup line or come on. They ranged from the eye-rollingly mundane to the downright bizarre. Here’s a selection from the notes I made that night.

We start with a classic.

Him: Can you touch my hand?

Her: Why?

Him: So I can tell my friends that I’ve been touched by an angel. 


Your feet must be tired, because you’ve been dancing through my mind all night!


Warning! It gets creepier and more disturbing from hereon in!

I want to cover you in peanut butter and lick it off you till I die. 


I’m so sad tonight. My dick just died. Can I bury it in you? (It’s worth noting that she responded by flicking on her lighter and saying “No, but I can cremate it if you like?”)


Him: You make me think of a washing machine.

Her: Erm…

Him: I wanna fill you with my dirty load. 


This one was one of mine.

Him: I know what women want in bed. 

Me: I think you’re taking the fact that it’s not you really well. 


Him: Baby, you’re like a termite. 

Her: OK. Explain.

Him: Because you’ll get a mouthful of wood later. 


Are you wearing space pants? Cuz your ass is out of this world. 


Him: You look like you’d be really bad in bed. 

Her: Er…what?

Him: Well you’re just so beautiful you probably think you don’t need to try. (Talk about a backhanded compliment!)

So, come on guys and gals, let’s hear yours. What’s the worst pickup line you’ve ever heard or been subjected to?




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